I'm a trans care leaver. Finding love and acceptance as my true self was the best feeling in the world

November is an exciting month this year! For the first year ever, National Care Leavers Week has been turned into a whole month! YAY! More time to talk about the important issues affecting care-experienced people and celebrate our successes!

I’ve realised that it’s also transgender awareness month! For me, that means double the celebrations and raising awareness about two key topics close to my heart.

Not only did I grow up in care from age four, but I am also transgender. In fact, I knew I was trans before social services knew to take me into care. Which is hilarious, because there were so many more warning signs to me needing to be taken into care than the knowledge I had about the concept of gender.

Read more:

• I’m in temporary accommodation this Christmas. Growing up in care makes it hard to find a home
• I was put into care after coming out as trans. But my loving foster family saw me for who I really was
• We need to end health inequalities for trans and non-binary people – let’s start with GP services

This is the story of how I came out as trans while living in a kids’ home, aged 16. I had been on and off watching Hollyoaks, as an escape from the crushing depression I was battling, barely leaving my bedroom in the kids’ home and relating to a lot of what the young people’s lives were like on screen. It was comforting to be able to see stories similar to mine and escape for a little while.

Then something really caught my eye. A story of someone who was just like me. No, not ginger. A new word entered my vocabulary as I watched this story and learnt all about the word “transgender”. I immediately googled it, because finally, I had a word for this feeling that had been with me ever since I could remember.

Over the years, I had tried and tried to tell people how I wanted to be a boy. Not a tomboy, I really, really wanted to be an actual boy. But it was always dismissed, and I was told I would grow out of it. Once I saw that Hollyoaks storyline and found out it was a real thing, I was so relieved that I was not crazy and was simply transgender!

Unfortunately, the depths of my depression had convinced me there was no hope. I was adamant that my social worker and the kids’ home would not let me be a boy, and I was stuck in this situation. So I took drastic action and tried to end my life.

The following morning, the kids’ home staff came into my bedroom. The manager told me afterwards that his heart stopped because at first, he thought I was dead. This led to me spending four days in the hospital.

I went back to the kids’ home, and everyone was super supportive. That first day back, I went for a drive with the other girl I live with. It was in the Peak District and we got very lost, but it was one of the most beautiful drives of my life. I remember watching the world, feeling very grateful I’d made it out of the other side, and the attempt to end my life had backfired.

A few weeks later, because I felt like the staff were legit caring and loving people, and my desire to be my true self was burning away, I decided to write them a letter explaining I was trans. I was expecting responses similar to my previous tries at telling people I was supposed to be a boy. But nah, these lot were like, ‘Yeah, that’s absolutely fine. What do you want to do about it?’

They helped me set the wheels in motion, speaking with the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) whom I was already engaged, getting the referral to the now-closed gender identity clinic for adolescents and starting my journey with them.

I told them I wanted to live as a boy, so the house manager insisted that they all call me by Jack and use he/him pronouns. I then got my name legally changed, and they were the ones to sign it, and then could legally call me my now legal name in all my paperwork, which they did the very same day I legally changed it. (Something my local authority failed to do).

They went and got training on how to support LGBTQ+ young people, came with me to all my gender appointments, took me out clothes shopping for boys’ clothes and Calvin Klein pants – my first ever pair! They took me to a barbershop, called me a lad, treated me as a lad and loved me like a lad, the person I was not only supposed to be, but deep down had always been.

I eventually moved onto another kids’ home, and yep, you guessed it, they were just as caring and supportive and loving of who I was.

Don’t get me wrong, there were ups and downs, but my god, these care home staff were the ones to save me from an incredibly dark period of my life and build me back up into the strong, caring, open-minded man I am today.

Having been failed by my parents and previous placements, I was scared they would reject me for being trans as well. Growing up in care can leave you feeling like no one is in your corner, and to be accepted and loved as my true self was the best feeling in the world. I am still in touch with several of these people to this day, at the grand old age of 30. Good care can stay with you for life, and I am so grateful I had the privilege to have these people in my life at such an important period.

This Care Leavers Month and Transgender Awareness Month, I wanna shout out all the allies within these communities who work hard day and night to change our lives for the better and stand shoulder to shoulder in solidarity with us. THANK YOU.

Jack is a care leaver campaigner, lived experience researcher, trainer and consultant. He lives with his three dogs – who are his world.  

If you need help with suicidal thoughts, use these free, 24/7 services: call or text Shout on 85258, or call Samaritans on 116 123. For under-35s, PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK is also available on 0800 068 4141 or by texting 07786 209697. Other resources include the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) and Mind.

Do you have a story to tell or opinions to share about this? Get in touch and tell us more. 

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